all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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