He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
