I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
