You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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