Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
How does one acquire holy water?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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