Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Randomize
