My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You ruined the universe
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
