I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
