it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
