You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize