you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
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Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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