Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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