drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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