I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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