I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
