Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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