Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
