Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
