do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
