Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
