i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
