i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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