if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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