hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
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