At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
