can we get nightvision for the apartment?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
