Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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