he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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