So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
