3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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