oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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