my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
