I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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