I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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