saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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