I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
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