i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
