i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
