Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
