I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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