i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
