Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
