U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
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Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
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Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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