look no pants
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
