In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
