HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
false alarm. still invincible.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
