my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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