Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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