Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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