Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
