Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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