Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
