shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
