I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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