Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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