im drinking this country out of the recession.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
