I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
