so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
